Divorce is a turning point for families and individuals.
This turning point is one of "uncoupling" or tearing apart a
marriage agreement. At the same time individuals are making a new beginning
as a single person. This process of change is often highly charged with
an overwhelming array of emotions. Often, it is beneficial to seek the
support and advice of a qualified therapist or support group. These professionals
can help you deal with the normal feelings associated with the divorce
process. While it is tempting to rely on friends and family, it should
be remembered that therapists offer guidance and unbiased advice - something
that may diffuse rather than inflame emotion.
While society has dictated rules and procedures for the
legal termination of a marriage agreement, a far more unstructured battle
is often being fought internally in the lives and minds of those experiencing
the divorce decision. Settlement negotiations are often prolonged because
feelings of anger, grief, guilt and fear have no appropriate outlet or
place for resolution. The manner in which emotions and feelings are handled
by the individuals who experience them may significantly impact the future
of all involved in the divorce. It is wise to consider the impact that
your feelings have on your ability to think in a fair and clear manner.
Therapists and other counseling professionals can provide an appropriate
emotional outlet and allow legal negotiations and interactions to proceed
in a less damaging and more constructive manner.
Finding the right Therapist for you.
When seeking a therapist, remember that you are a consumer
of services. It is important to find a good fit if you are to accomplish
the work and growth needed to get you successfully through a difficult
life experience such as divorce. Because you are entering into and
establishing a new relationship, it is important that you feel comfortable
and have knowledge of the person you employ. Many people find potential
therapists by asking friends and family for referrals. Others may
look for therapists in the Yellow Page Directory - often by geographic
area.
Interviewing a therapist or counseling professional.
However you obtain the names of potential therapists, it
is a good idea, and within your right, to interview or screen them. If
you find a therapist who is opposed to being interviewed, don't be surprised
or take this personally. Many therapists are very busy and do not want
to spend their time answering questions prior to seeing a client. Some
therapists feel their beliefs and personal styles are not a factor in
therapy, and that good therapy is about the client only. This is important
to know. If they decline a phone interview, you may wish to ask them why.
Remember you have a right to find a good fit in the professional
who will work with you at this difficult time in your life. Call prospective
therapists and tell them you are seeking a therapist and would like to
spend a few minutes asking them some questions. Describe your situation
and needs. You might say, "I am beginning the divorce process with
my spouse and am in need of a therapist or counselor to help me through
this process." If there are spiritual, ethnic or cultural concerns
and considerations that are of importance to you, be sure to address them
with potential therapists during the interview process.
Interview questions.
Following is a list of questions and topics to discuss with
a prospective therapist:
- Describe your style of therapy
- Is your therapy insight based or talk therapy? (This
is very simply described as a process where the therapist asks specific
questions designed to allow the client to talk through problems until
they resolve them on their own. The therapist is relatively passive
in the process.)
- Is your therapy interactive? (This often involves more
dialogs between client and therapist, setting goals and discussing
issues together.)
- How often do you see clients?
- What is the typical length of a session?
- Do you work with couples? individuals only?
- Do you do testing with clients?
- Do you do short-term or brief therapy? (This is simply
described as therapy that is focused on specific issues, usually not
exceeding 12-25 sessions.)
- What are your fees?
- How do you handle insurance?
- How confidential are your records?
- Are you comfortable discussing issues of spirituality?
(Ask this question if this is an important part of your value system,
life and family. People often need guidance sorting through issues
of religion and divorce.)
- Do you support a specific doctrine or religious association?
- Do you or your clinic offer counseling services and
support for children?
- What would you expect from me during the therapy relationship?
(Homework, testing, assignments done outside the therapy session?)
How to work with your therapist.
Initial therapy sessions are designed to lay the groundwork
and boundaries of the new relationship between client and therapist. In
divorce counseling, many individuals show up in a therapist's office in
one of three places, emotionally speaking.
- They want to save their marriage and are not reconciled
to getting a divorce
- They do not want to save their marriage
- They are undecided as to what is best - staying in the
marriage or ending it
Try to identify your feelings relative to one of the above
positions. From there, discuss what your goals are, and what should be
the focus of therapy sessions.
- Are you working on restoration and reconciliation of
the marriage?
- Are you working on coming apart from the relationship?
- Are you working on sorting issues surrounding the divorce
decision?
With a goal in mind, decide with your therapist how you
will proceed. After a few sessions, agree to a brief evaluation of the
relationship. Would you like more interaction? Do you need the therapist
to be more passive and ask less of you (perhaps in the form of "homework"
or assignments)? If you would like change, ask for alternatives and if
the therapist is comfortable doing things differently. Remember that there
may be times, when a person is filled with so much emotion, that sessions
will be used to vent all-consuming feelings. This is normal and it is
healthy to allow yourself a place to process these feelings.
Other important considerations in making the most of
your therapy sessions include:
- Keep appointments and respect the therapist's time -
most require 24 hours cancellation notice
- Discuss financial arrangements up front and notify your
therapist if finances become a problem or issue
- Spend time processing the issues discussed in therapy.
This is your time devoted to your well-being
- Be open to releasing emotion that is destructive. Your
therapist will help you find appropriate ways for dealing with grief,
guilt, anger and fear - all normal emotions for individuals experiencing
divorce
By utilizing a professional therapist, you do not have to go through
a divorce alone and unheard. Finding an outlet for your emotion and
a place to contemplate and explore new options may allow you to think
more clearly and make better decisions for you and your family.
