Going through divorce is like finding yourself at a fork
in the road of life. Instead of proceeding down the road in one direction
with your spouse, you will be proceeding alone or with other people.
Many individuals feel they cannot go on and are overwhelmed at the idea
of this change. It important to know that your life will go on; divorce
is not just an ending, but a beginning as well.
The ability to look ahead and maintain a general sense
of direction is critical as you move forward. Setting goals and thinking
about a desired outcome can provide you with this direction. When individuals
find themselves in the process of terminating a marriage agreement,
they are often filled with an overwhelming variety of emotions. Anger,
disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt and grief may all combine to create
an altered state of thought. Daily routines and the ability to think
clearly are often disrupted. It may be
difficult to think clearly about setting goals at this point in your
life. However, most people, with some effort, can form an idea of how
they want their life to look following the divorce.
Concrete goals: When setting goals and objectives,
you should, of course, carefully consider the following issues:
The Children:
- How much time would you like the children to spend
in each home? (physical custody and visitation issues)
- How should you and your spouse make decisions regarding
the children? (legal custody issues)
Day to day finances:
- How will you and your spouse meet the needs of both
households?
(Child support spousal maintenance issues)
Property:
- Which property will go to you? (marital and non-marital
property issues)
Debts:
Divorce costs:
- How much will the divorce cost and who will handle
the costs of the divorce?
Intangible goals: Equally important, although less obvious,
is the need to consider some less tangible areas such as:
Your future relationship with your ex-spouse:
- How would you ideally like this to be at the end of
your divorce and years into the future?
Co-parenting issues and events:
- Will you and your spouse be able
to co-parent together and place the needs of the children ahead of
personal issues between you?
- Will there be conflict and tension each time you interact
around the children?
Quality of life for you and your children:
- What kinds of things do you want to be able to do as
part of your "new life"?
Working alone, with a divorce coach, therapist, or other
professionals, write out your goals and desired outcomes for each area.
Try to be very specific. Sometimes fear or anger will cloud your ability
to think clearly about some of these areas. Try to get beyond these
emotions long enough to create a desired outcome that supports the integrity
and dignity of all family members.
It may be helpful to do this exercise several times, on
different days, when feelings and emotions may change the outcome. It
will not take long for a pattern to develop - one that indicates your
true goals for this change point in your life.
Communicating your goals:
Once you have determined your goals, it is important to be very specific
in relating them to your attorney or other professionals that you may
work with throughout the divorce process. They will be able to advise
you on how realistic your goals are relative to the laws in your state.
Listen carefully to their advice. They are experienced with likely outcomes
and can advise and guide you in the best ways to achieve your desired
outcomes.
Prioritizing your goals:
It is also important to determine your priorities
and to communicate those priorities to the people you have hired to
help you. You may not be able to achieve all of your goals, so you may
need to decide which goals are so important that you would give up other
goals to achieve them. For example, if you decide that protecting your
children from conflict is your most important priority, you may need
to decide what you are willing to give up in order to make that happen.
In any event, the more you communicate these priorities to the professionals
who are helping you, the more likely you are to emerge on the other
side of your "journey" with the most critical needs addressed.
