By Janet Eaton,
Ph.D., LMFT
When couples with children divorce it becomes necessary
for the parents to consciously redefine their relationship as it relates
to the continued parenting of their children. Couples may choose to
end their marital connection, but the parenting connection continues.
It requires a conscious effort to redesign or transform
the marital relationship to one that focuses only on co-parenting. Without
this conscious effort co-parenting relationships tend to evolve out
of the conflict and negativity of the ending marriage. As a result,
children are absorbing the stress of intense parental conflict when
they should be absorbing gentle parental nurturing.
Marital/committed relationships imply intimacy. As relationships
break down the intimacy proceeds from positive to negative intimacy,
unless there is a conscious effort to redefine the co-parenting relationship.
- Redefining the relationship requires that parents learn
to consistently:
1) separate personal issues from parenting issues and
2) establish new boundaries. The former husband and wife or committed
couple now only interacts in the best interest of the children. The
quality of those interactions highly affects the emotional security
and wellbeing of the children, as well as, the children's relationship
with each parent.
Healthy co-parenting is a difficult but necessary task,
thus the continued reference to it requiring a conscious effort. Parents
are being asked to accomplish an "emotional contradiction".
Possibly the most intense, highly conflictual negative experience in
ones lifetime is that of the divorce experience. Then, to request that
parents peacefully co-parent is truly an emotional contradiction. Developing
a productive co-parenting relationship often requires outside help such
as classes or counseling. It clearly requires, of the parents, a shift
in their perception of each other.
Messages sent to divorced families has much to do with
the negative experience parents and children encounter. The court system,
religions, the mindset of family and friends, and the overall mindset
toward the traditional family in many subtle ways lead parents and children
of divorce to perceive themselves as inadequate, not whole, and generally
not ok.
IT IS OK TO BE A DIVORCED FAMILY. It is ok if a child
has two dads and one mom or two moms and two dads. What isn't ok is
if conflict, deceit, manipulation, and anger are a continuous part of
the parental interaction.
When the co-parenting interactions prevent a child from
a nurturing relationship with each parent then that co-parenting relationship
needs to be consciously redefined.
Divorced parents have the right and responsibility to
live and view themselves as whole and adequate human beings who have
within them the power and ability to provide nurturing environments
for their children.
