Divorce is almost always more difficult when it involves
children. Almost all conscientious parents feel a great need to protect
children from the loss that divorce can cause. While there is no way
to completely eliminate the loss children experience during divorce,
the process you choose can have an enormous impact on how children handle
the divorce.
Numerous studies and articles attest to the trauma that
litigated divorces inflict on children. For an informative article about
the impact of conflict on children in divorce, click
here.
It would be extremely rare for a child psychologist to
dispute the severe impact of the adversarial process. While most laypeople
have some idea that conflicts affect children, often they do not know
what really goes on in an adversarial divorce.
An adversarial process often spurs parents to dredge up
what they believe are the least desirable things about each other. They
record those allegations in public files at the courthouse. They encourage
friends and relatives to do the same. Naturally, after months of public
accusations, mutual anger and resentment grows in epidemic proportions.
Wounds form, and may never heal.
All of this occurs at a time when children need their
parents' cooperation more than ever. Children generally want to think
the best of both parents - but, caught in the middle, they must make
daily choices that seem to betray one parent or the other. Children
have great difficulty recovering from the trauma caused by the conflict
and bitterness between their parents, regardless of who" wins"
the custody fight.
Nearly all parents who find themselves involved in a divorce
tell themselves and others that they want what is best for the children.
Yet, in almost every adversarial divorce, these parents routinely (and
unwittingly) embrace actions that directly or indirectly hurt the children.
A custody fight makes it difficult for a parent to see
past the wrongs that the other parent has committed against him or her.
Parents find it tough to place the needs of the children first. Parents
find it easy to rationalize their actions by telling themselves they
are protecting the children from the dangers of the other parent. In
truth, as most independent experts agree, the biggest danger facing
the children is the parents' conflict.
Alternate methods can help the parents find tools
to co-parent their children. This often requires parents to alter their
perceptions. (To review an article about how parents need to work on
co-parenting relationships, written by divorceChoice.com member Janet
Eaton, Ph.d. LMFT, click here.
