Psychologists, therapists and counselors can offer
dispassionate guidance as you attempt to identify and confront the issues
creating conflict and difficulty in your marriage. Education credentials
will range from a bachelor's degree to postgraduate degrees. Training
and experience will range from generalist to specialist. The education,
experience and outlook of counseling professionals can vary widely -
a fact that may greatly affect the guidance they offer. Some observers
submit that counseling should first seek ways to repair and preserve
the marriage, rather than addressing individual internal issues. This
is something to consider when the goal is to stay married. It appears
that marriage counselors who emphasize conflict resolution skills obtain
higher levels of success. Learning to defuse an explosive situation,
the art of "fair" fighting and restructuring communication
patterns are methods used to improve relationships. Look for professionals
who are skilled in these areas.
Marriage
and family therapists have extensive experience and training in
dealing with marital conflict. Their primary focus will be on the dynamics
of the relationship rather than on the individual. The goal will be
to identify and resolve the issues causing conflict in the relationship
and teach new communication skills and other solutions to improve the
dynamics between a couple. Marriage and Family Therapists are trained
to help people deal with troubles in their close personal relationships.
Like other psychologists and therapists, they generally encourage communication
about the conflicts and provide insight into problems. This is done
with the goal of improved relationships.
Individual
therapists and counselors focus on individuals and the issues each
are confronting. The goal may be more toward self-actualization and
personal growth rather than the preservation of the marriage. Sometimes,
individual therapy is necessary as an adjunct to marriage and family
therapy. It is important to tell an individual therapist or counselor
of the goal and intent of preserving a marriage. In this way, the individual
work may be focused on areas that have the most impact on the relationship.
A therapist that can help couples work through "real" and
"present time" situations achieve better results than those
who focus on dredging up the past. But, sometimes looking into the past
is helpful in discovering how it may have an impact on marital choice
and the patterns being repeated in the present day marriage. A skilled
therapist can discern when this may be necessary. In any case, ask your
counselor or therapist to discuss his or her strategy with you and your
spouse. Deciding on a course of action as a team with your therapist
and spouse allows everyone involved to have the feeling of knowing where
things are headed - and why.
Psychologists
and Psychotherapists: Psychologists and Psychotherapists perform
research, testing and therapy for mental health problems and for emotional
problems. Their techniques generally encourage communication of conflicts
and insight into problems - with the goals of personal growth and behavior
change. They normally focus on the individual.
Social workers:
Social workers help improve living conditions for communities and individuals
through counseling and assistance with social services. Some social
workers are specially trained to provide therapy for individuals or
their relationships.
Can Therapists actually threaten a marriage? You
should be aware that there are some people who believe that therapists
can actively threaten marriages if they fail to recognize and affirm
the moral nature of the marital commitment. Among the most influential
people with that belief is William J. Doherty, a Professor of Family
Social Science, Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program
at the University of Minnesota and the author of Soul Searching: Why
Psychotherapy Must Promote Moral Responsibility (Basic Books, 1995)
To learn more about Professor Doherty's position on this, please click
here to read his article, "How Therapists Threaten Marriages."
Can Attorneys provide advice about saving marriages?
Attorneys can advise you about how to protect your legal rights and
the rights of your children. However, attorneys generally do not have
the ability to work with you on saving the marriage. Their expertise
is in the legal arena, not in the realm of emotions and personal relationships.
When seeking the advice of an attorney, remember they are paid for the
time they spend with you. If you are working at re-building your marriage,
an attorney can help you see how your lives may look if you end up divorcing.
Sometimes, this picture is enough to motivate couples (especially where
children are involved) to work on repairing and re-building relationships.
However, an attorney is not qualified to guide you in how to save your
marriage or to help you decide whether you can work on the marriage
Finding a therapist or counselor who can help you.
Remember that most marriages go through times of conflict and crisis.
In seeking to understand the root of the conflict and to find solutions,
many, many marriages survive these difficult times. Marriages and relationships
work when both partners are committed to making them work. This often
means confronting difficult personal issues and making the marriage
commitment a priority. The sources of guidance you choose can support
you through this process and influence the final outcome. Be sure you
understand the appropriate role of each resource and trust your instincts
about your choices.
Each of these fields includes practitioners with a wide range of educational
credentials, experience and philosophies. The members of DivorceChoice.com
all subscribe to the mission of this organization - to help families
in conflict make choices that preserve the dignity of the family. They
will acknowledge your efforts to preserve your marriage commitment,
or work with you through a divorce in a manner that endorses the preservation
of integrity and dignity of all involved individuals.
If you are going to work with a therapist or counselor,
it is important that you find a professional who can help you meet your
goals. For guidance on how to choose the therapist that best meets your
needs, click here.
