The decision to divorce is one of the most difficult and
lasting choices you may ever have to make. This heart wrenching and
painful experience can leave emotional scars on adults and children
alike. When can a marriage be saved? Most professionals will agree that
saving a marriage takes extremely hard work on the part of both partners
in the relationship. If you and your partner truly love each other and
are willing to spend time and money in restructuring difficult areas
of your relationship, your marriage may have a good chance of surviving.
If your spouse is unwilling to join you in efforts to
re-build or save your marriage, you still have options in moving forward.
Seek help. Learn what resources are available to support you in your
solo effort to save your marriage. Setting an example of getting
help sends a clear message to your spouse. That message says that
you value the relationship and you want a better quality of life for
yourself and family. Many reluctant spouses have been inspired by the
faith the other spouse demonstrates in believing in a relationship -
and have joined in the effort to improve it. By seeking help, you will
begin the process of building a support system in the event your spouse
chooses not to stay in the relationship.
Remember that most marriage and family therapy specialists
strongly prefer to work with both spouses from the very start. Seeing
the spouses jointly helps a therapist view the relationship from an
un-biased perspective, making it easier to sort out the true dynamics
of the relationship. Seeing the therapist jointly helps both parties
to enjoy a feeling of "ownership" in the process.
Here are some things to consider if your spouse declines
to join you in joint marriage counseling:
- If you see the counselor alone, the counselor's first
task could be to convince your spouse to engage in the joint sessions.
- If solo counseling proceeds long enough that your spouse
identifies the therapist as being "yours," you can ask your
therapist to refer you and your spouse to another therapist for joint
work.
- Look closely at the nature of the counseling in which
you want your spouse to join. Does it focus on your relationship,
or on internal individual issues? Your spouse may not feel a need
for individual therapy, but might participate in counseling that focuses
on the marriage.
- If your spouse refuses to engage in joint counseling,
urge him or her to pursue help on his or her own - help that includes
marriage counseling rather than focusing exclusively on individual
issues. Try to go forward on parallel tracks.
- You can proceed with individual counseling, exploring
ways to see things differently and to determine honestly what changes
you can and should make to improve your situation.
Finally, if your spouse refuses to join you in efforts
to save your marriage, it may be time to admit your marriage is at an
end. Examine the reasons for conflict in your marriage. These may include
difference in values, sexual infidelity, lack of interest, or even abuse.
In the end, when two individuals experience a significant loss of respect
and trust, rebuilding a marriage may be hopeless. The degree of conflict
in the environment in which you live ultimately affects the psychological
well being of each family member adults and children alike. Constant
conflict and anger is exhausting and debilitating. Ending a painful
relationship may be the only way to move yourself and your family toward
a more healthy future. Divorce is a beginning as well as an end. You
and your spouse must decide your willingness to commit to the work it
will take to stay together.
